March 11, 2018
Watched the film Interstellar today, this afternoon. The feeling of being cocooned at home, softened by recent labor and the birth of my daughter who was snug, safe sleeping in my lap as I relaxed with my husband and son (busy and active around the apartment as usual) was supreme.
In the mood for science fiction, I turned on Interstellar. My husband warned about watching it because, as he said “It’s so sad”. Though it was in our library, I didn’t remember seeing it and was quickly engaged. The film has a sobriety and somberness that I appreciate in my sci fi.
As the movie wound on, it took me deep, heavy tears sometimes streaming down my face as my mind directed to thoughts of mortality, family and time. How long would I be there for my children? Quieting down to digest the reality that we cannot know how long our lives will be, when they will end nor guarantee how much time we have with loved ones; thoughts also arising concerning the grander scale- our presence (and future) as a species here on Earth. I cannot know what the world will be like decades from now, when my children are grown, on their own. At some point we all go.
Recent labor and childbirth has no doubt heightened my sensitivities but also anchored in me confirmation of what truly is central in my life- the heart of it all. The rest is interesting, often dynamic as well as connective to the central focus. But ultimately, the most essential role in these chapters of life is that of mother.
All my love, fears, dreams, anxieties, aspirations, I realized watching this space drama, were intimately and very simply entwined with this role. Practical and profound. A role that in many ways is essential to my crafts, my spirituality, my domestic life and my continued understanding of love and the human experience.
As for the film, it was a spectacularly emotional experience just watching it. There’s something so intensely special and soft about those first few days home with a newborn- that ‘cocoon’. Thoughtful sci fi, nearly operatic in plot development, always interests me, but on this day, this time, sounded particularly meaningful notes in my mind, with my infant daughter sleeping in my lap throughout the film, having just recently begun her journey Earth side.